5 advice for every Muslim when a loved one passes away

Janomot report: Death is an undeniable fact. Time after time, we as human beings lose ourselves in this temporary world as if we are to live in it forever. Thus, Allah sends us signs and reminders with the biggest reminder being to see a loved one pass on from this world.

The loss of a loved one is undoubtedly a grieving matter and only those who have experienced it can know the true depth of the pain it causes when it strikes. But just like any matter for a Muslim, there is a way prescribed in Islam in how best to deal with the loss too – without transgressing the limits. A way that can best be summarized by these five pieces of advice.

1. Dua (Supplications):
Just as there is no denying about death, likewise Duas being the biggest weapon for a believer is unquestionable too. When our loved ones are alive, they make Duas for our well-being, now that they have moved on to the next world, they are reliant upon our Duas for them since they are in desperate need of them.

Reading Qur’an upon the dead, having gatherings or thinking Duas are more accepted whilst at the grave are all forms of innovations in the religion and have no authentic basis. The Qur’an was revealed as a form of guidance and healing for the alive. 

Stick to the Sunnah and know if we are doing it right then the ‘little’ we do can actually be ‘big’ in the sight of Allah. Make Duas for the loved one's forgiveness, especially the children for their parents for Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said:

“A man’s status will be raised in Paradise and he will ask, ‘How did I get here?’ He will be told, ‘By your son’s du’aa’s (prayers) for forgiveness for you.”

There are a number of authentic Duas one can make for the deceased. Here is one of them.

للهُـمِّ اغْفِـرْ لِحَيِّـنا وَمَيِّتِـنا وَشـاهِدِنا ، وَغائِبِـنا ، وَصَغيـرِنا وَكَبيـرِنا ، وَذَكَـرِنا وَأُنْثـانا.

Allaahum-maghfir lihayyinaa, wa mayyitinaa, wa shaahidinaa, wa ghaa’ibinaa, wa sagheerinaa wa kabeerinaa, wa thakarinaa wa ‘unthaanaa..

O Allah forgive our living and our dead, those who are with us and those who are absent, our young and our old, our menfolk and our womenfolk.

2. Sabr (Patience): 
Nobody can be given a blessing better and greater than patience.

One of the toughest attributes to hold onto when a loved one passes away is to observe patience. sabrYet, it is this very trait that enables a Muslim to show his/hers contentment and reliance upon the decree of Allah at what has transformed before his/hers eyes, knowing too well that Allah never burdens a soul more than it can take and He will surely compensate the loss with something better.

This is why Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) informed us when is it that true patience is recorded with regards to being befallen with a calamity:

Verily, the patience is at the first stroke of a calamity.

Note, observing patience doesn’t mean we can’t cry or feel down, especially for the first three days, for our own Prophet (peace be upon him) had tears in his eyes when his son Ibraheem passed away and he (peace be upon him) said: “We are very sad for your death, O Ibraheem.” [4] But what we cannot do is cry excessively, hit oneself, tear the clothes, question Allah’s decree and cause any self-harm. All of this is strictly forbidden and we lose out on a great reward that comes with being patient.

3. Sadaqa (Charity): 
Alongside the deceased Muslim’s own charity that he/she gave whilst he/she was alive giving him/her continuous reward, another beneficial thing a Muslim ought to do for their deceased loved one is to give charity on their behalf. This is a proven Sunnah and again one we should not take lightly.

Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him and his father) reported that the mother of Sa’d ibn ‘Ubaadah (may Allaah be pleased with him and his father) died when he was away from her. He said:

“O Messenger of Allaah, my mother has died and I am away from her. Will it benefit her anything if I give in charity on her behalf?” He said, “Yes.” He said, “Then I ask you to be my witness that I am giving my garden al-Mikhraaf (so-called because it bore so many dates) in charity on her behalf.”

4. Forgiveness and Aiding:
In life, we may have a number of disagreements and they can lead to holding grudges with one another. Forgiving the deceased of any wrong they may have done to you is a huge gift one can give to them. By letting go of a grudge or even something they owed you, you are showing a trait of being merciful which leads to Allah be merciful to you.

…and let them pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you? And Allah is Forgiving and Merciful.

Besides forgiveness, a Muslim ought to help a deceased Muslim with respect to any outstanding debt he/she may have left behind. The living Muslims should also aid in the funeral too for this is one of the rights of a Muslim upon another Muslim. 

5. Reflection:
Finally, take these precious moments of pondering over the reality of this life and that we all will beneath joining the dead soon. We are told to remember death often and even encouraged to visit graveyards for such thoughts and sights allow us to get back on track and re-evaluate our state with Allah. Don’t let Shaytaan keep you busy with worldly talks, rather remind yourself and others around you death is round the corner and we all ought to do more to become better servants of Allah. By us reconnecting with Allah after the person’s death, the deceased may well get the reward for your good deeds too.

This is why Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to recite the following which shows wisdom of remembering death often:

لسَّلامُ عَلَـيْكُمْ أَهْلَ الدِّيارِ مِنَ المؤْمِنيـنَ وَالْمُسْلِمينَ، وَإِنّا إِنْ شاءَ اللهُ بِكُـمْ لاحِقُـونَ، (وَ يَرْحَمُ اللَّهُ الْمُسْتَقْدِمِينَ مِنَّا وَالْمُسْتَأْخِرِينَ) نَسْـاَلُ اللهَ لَنَـا وَلَكُـمْ العَـافِيَةَ

Assalaamu ‘alaykum ‘ahlad-diyaari, minal-mu’mineena walmuslimeena, wa ‘innaa ‘in shaa’ Allaahu bikum laahiqoona [wa yarhamullaahul-mustaqdimeena minnaa walmusta’khireena] ‘as’alullaaha lanaa wa lakumul- ‘aafiyata.

Peace be upon you, people of this abode, from among the believers and those who are Muslims, and we, by the Will of Allah, shall be joining you. [May Allah have mercy on the first of us and the last of us] I ask Allah to grant us and you strength.